Troo Knot

Troo Knot is a musical messenger sent here to unleash the sonic paradox of nature. 

Mental Breakdown

Suffering & Non-Duality

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          "Okay Braden so you had an entertaining family with too much food around that caused you to develop a sense of humor so you could make friends easy. Sounds like quite the struggle of fear and suffering you spoiled chode doctor. Boo hoo! What about people that experience real trauma growing up? How does that environment and suffering bless them with some special gift you asshole!?"

          Yo relax imaginary self standing in as a rightfully skeptic not so rightfully meany pants challenging my balogna train philosophy in an aggressive manner ghost person. I feel you. Some people go through torturous suffering that is completely out of their control and against their will that seeds itself as deep rooted trauma in their mind and body, potentially forever. Some people get traumatized so badly that parts of their mind shut off and "hide" to protect them from the pain of the experience. This repression of dark, twisted knots follow many people to their graves. Some develop multiple personalities to escape the suffering of the primary personality and some become anti-social psychopaths out for revenge on the entire universe. Schizophrenia can be dormant in your genes waiting for trauma to trigger it to life. Various mental illnesses can prevent people from functioning in our version of society and childhood trauma can often be the culprit of these mental illnesses.

          But I don't think we should be too quick to say that these "sick" people don't have any gifts. Maybe they have extremely useful gifts directly related to their "illness" but we don't provide them with a supportive social structure to understand, validate and harness their abilities. Instead we lock them up and call them sick. Doesn't sound like an efficient way to discover and empower the true nature of a person. 

          What's that place called where you go learn how to embrace your unique gifts in order to understand how you can most effectively help humanity and the environment while honoring your true nature? I don't know but let's pretend it's school. Imagine if at school they locked you in a room, gave you drugs to numb your brain, and told you you were of no use to society. Are you sure you want little Jimmy to grow up and be a surgeon? He seems a little out of it.

No one should be made to feel useless to society regardless of their mental health. Have you ever been around a "crazy" person on the street who sounds like their head is on better than most "normal" people? No? Then you haven't been listening close enough. I've met many homeless people that are highly sensitive, intelligent, and compassionate people that just haven't found a healthy community to embrace their gifts in. All of this to say - I don't believe suffering is a ticket to becoming useless. I think it's an opportunity to develop strengths.

          I have friends that have been through physical, sexual, and emotional trauma as children. Lots of us might be these people or know these people. They were raped, they saw their mom get beat, they caught their drunk dad in an affair, their sibling drowned, they were abandoned, their parents emotionally scarred them with threats, etc. The gloomy list goes on but I can first hand tell you that my friends that have been through tough shit have developed an unbreakable spirit and are often overflowing fountains of kindness, compassion, empathy and service. Some of them are also wild savages but I love them too.  Often people who go through pain are the best at supporting others through it. This is because they know real suffering and feel a deep need to lessen it for others. They aren't victims and they take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Compassion is not natural to my personality, being an attention whore is. I deeply admire those with a deep rooted sense of kindness for others because I know how powerful it is. Empathy is a super power far greater than feeling comfortable on a stage. I know this because empathetic people saved my life. Empathy is something I've been intentionally practicing for the last few years since my mental breakdown and I am proud of myself for how far I've come. 

I'm so empathetic! I'm the best empathizer in the world. I'm better than you. 

Please watch out for empathy bragging, dip shits. 

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          When suffering has us immobilized it's the ones who've faced their own suffering who can support us through it. If someone hasn't faced their shadows they are most likely going to be very uncomfortable around the shadows of others. People with REAL empathy, acceptance and kindness in their hearts keep humanity above water. The key word is REAL. Fake niceness in order to look nice doesn't count. These folks often can't handle or accept the shadows of others because they are in denial of their own shadows.  

          My childhood was pretty easy and the trauma I did experience was repressed under my clownery and saved for later. I call this leftover suffering. Yum! There were incidents that really hurt me and I could blab but that isn't the point of this blog. I respect the privacy of my family and they gave me an amazing childhood for the most part.

          I didn't need to learn empathy and compassion because I just stayed on my delusional cloud of I'm so happy, it's all about me, I'll cheer you up with comedy and enthusiasm. There, you're welcome, see I'm nice! Then at age 22 I completely crumbled and my girlfriend at the time finally took me to the mental health emergency clinic because we both realized I was in too deep and needed help beyond our abilities. Thank you Unnamed Ex-Girlfriend, I love you. Congrats on lesbianism. Sorry for all those times I had a penis. 

          "Unnamed Ex-Girlfriend" had struggled with anxiety and depression and I believe she is the force that kept me alive during my mental breakdown. Her compassionate soul and her practical wisdom was life changing. She gently made me go get help and I trusted her because I knew she genuinely cared about me. Her experience with mental health challenges made her the perfect support system for me to make it out alive. In the climb out of my breakdown I learned the powers of acceptance, empathy, listening and compassion. When it was time for her to come out of the closet as a lesbian she felt safe and supported telling me because she knew I was able to listen, accept, and support her. She was scared and I was sad but I had her back no matter what. 

          I could have seen it as "wow I'm such a fucked up loser that I ruined men for her. My dick is so lame that she's literally changing teams! My mind is so ugly I converted her to team labe-trotters. Waaaah it's all about me."

          But I chose to see it as "we've developed such a strong, loving, trusting bond that she feels comfortable telling me the truth and knowing that I support her no matter what."

          Unnamed Ex-Girlfriend and I supported each other through some of the toughest moments of our lives and that break up was simply a celebration of a magnificent relationship. Both of our individual suffering made us capable of supporting each other. Our suffering transformed into empathy for each other and this is the true essence of healing. Seeing the other in their darkness and loving them in it because you understand that the force of darkness just needs light. You can be a healer through love or a hater through judgement. Your choice. 

          Gifts hide within curses and curses hide within gifts so we can't really call them either. Everything is an opportunity to learn, perceive, and act in alignment with love. 

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One time a farmer had 5 horses run away. His neighbor said "damn that must make you so upset."

The farmer replied, "we'll see."

The next day all the horses returned with 3 new, wild horses.

The neighbor said "wow you must be so happy."

The farmer replied, "we'll see."

The next day the farmer's son went to feed the horses and one of the wild horses kicked him, breaking his leg.

The neighbor said "wow you must be so upset."

The farmer replied, "we'll see."

The next day the military came through to draft young soldiers into war and the son couldn't go because of his broken leg.

The neighbor said "wow you must be so happy."

The farmer replied, "we'll see."

Continue reading the Mental Breakdown series

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