2024
January 8th I turn 32 years old. Add one more wrinkle to the scrote. It’s definitely been an intense year for me. I’m not going to deep dive into the darkness. I've already said a lot about the heavy stuff. Writing can be fun and it’s something I want to do more of in 2025, so here.
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Adventured around Colombia with my badass wife Zam for 6 weeks. We walked the beaches, wandered the jungles, trekked the mountains, and watched plenty of sunsets. Also got chased by gnarly street dogs, screamed at a few Ghengis Khan sized spiders, pulled a struggling kid out of the ocean, and got motorbiked through a sketchy bridge protest. Colombia was a lot but it made Zam and I a much stronger team and grew our love beams. Surprisingly DID NOT get offered cocaine once. Did get diarrhea at least once.
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Went on an insane quest to Burning Man as a farewell trip with my epic uncle. So many laughs with my wild cousins as we biked across the desert, taking in an absolutely wild spectacle of human innovation, creation, expression, and genitals. Unsurprisingly got offered cocaine at least once.
Love you Don. RIP
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Dad died in his sleep. Shock, sadness, rage, nostalgia, mourning, celebration, pain, gratitude, everything. The loss has taught me that it’s okay to listen to my instincts and honor what feels best for me and my values. I had a bit of a breakdown, realizing that it took someone dying to remind me that I’m allowed to give myself grace and kindness. I take on too many projects and then I eventually just burn out and feel sick of everything. Grinding at the cost of health, relationships, inner peace, and my authentic self ain’t worth it.
We are made of many conflicting puzzle pieces that can be tricky to navigate. But ignoring the rumbling truths inside our guts n hearts doesn’t do anyone any favors. This doesn’t mean impulsively bounce at every one of your feelings. Logic and big picture thinking are essential. But if you don’t protect and advocate for that truth inside of you, prepare to shrink and suffer in self-made resentment. Yay.
Love you Dad. RIP
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Mom and Dad were booked to take 3 of the grandkids to Disneyland. WestJet said they don’t allow dead guys on airplanes anymore so my older brother and I went to support my sweetheart mama with her goal of taking the grandkids to Disneyland. She is a cool grandma and these grandkids are lucky punks. At risk of sounding like a crusty bastard - my favorite part of Disneyland was making fun of Disneyland with my big bro. To be fair, we were fresh out of 2 deaths and a funeral so Mickey Mouse and his $18 corn dogs weren’t quite hitting the spot. Dressed up like Buzz Lightyear and offered cocaine to children at least 12 times. Didn’t see Jasmin once. Devastated.
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Put out a 2nd prog metal album with Metavore. The song Throne is probably one of my favorite things I’ve ever made and could not have done it without the lovely dudes of Metavore. Put out an album and did an insane Halloween show with Fermented Beet Orchestra at Palace Theatre with Cirque Nuit. Probably the most fun I’ve ever had on stage. Cathartic, unhinged, mindspanking bonker bash with a crew of musicians and dancers who I admire.
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The family I work with in disability support land is fun, interesting, caring, and generous. The work culture is human-spirit-forward and zero bureaucratic bullshit, which is a recipe for me to feel pretty darn good at work. I value them and they value me. Tis lovely. I’ve been full time for 5 years with them and it’s genuinely changed my life in a profound way. During all this death they truly had my back and helped me through it.
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Started playing co-ed rec soccer with some of my oldest and newest friends. It’s way too much fun. The amount of joy and stress relief I’ve been feeling from it is surprising. Chase ball, kick ball, sweat, have a beer, talk shit, laugh lots, wake up kinda sore. My dad coached me in soccer growing up. He hadn’t seen me play since I was 18 (13 years ago). Him and mom were in the city randomly and came to a game after a cozy dinner on October 6th. I scored 2 goals and flashed my tits at my parents up in the stands like the buffoon I am. Me and some close pals, whom Dad also coached, hung out with Coach Glen after the game and it felt like the good ol soccer days. Strangely, that was the last time I saw my dad. He died 4 days later. At least he got to see my tits one last time. But for real, that soccer field is a very special place to me now.
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I love Zam so much. We’ve lived in a little 1 bedroom apartment for 7 years. We are simple and don’t need much to have a good life. We always say to each other, “no matter where we are, you are my home.” It’s corny as fuck and 100% true. If she has space to dance and study and I have a spot to make music, we are content. It’s been a good 7 years at this little place but we’re getting close to moving onto something a bit better for having a baby in a few years. Whoa! Hopefully I have good jizz. I seem to have lots of it, no idea if it works though. MexiGringo incoming. Cute.
Discussions around future family, more expenses, and responsibility bring up all sorts of uncomfortable feels for a couple of dancing clowns like us and I’m just grateful to have a partner who can swim through all the feels with me. She has been the MVP in keeping my broken heart nurtured through this year of grief.
My friends and fam have really shown up for me. I love you all.
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It’s been a year.
Life is good. Life is shit. Fun times. Sad times.
Grief, gratitude, and growing pains. Sounds like a bad self-help book.
DO YOUR BEST.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
BUT PEOPLE YOU LOVE WILL DIE AND YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE A LITTLE SHIT GOBLIN INSIDE OF YOU.
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So January 8th is my birthday. I’ll be starting the release of my 10th solo record. 10 is too many. Some of the old stuff is bad and makes me cringe, but they were important stepping stones in shaping my style and my relationship with art. Just like relationships with humans are complex and rich, our relationship with art is a vast topic I’m fascinated by. I’ll write more about this another day but here is a thought nugget.
My relationship with art is constantly shifting around 1 vital question.
How can I make the process MOSTLY enjoyable?
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For now, here is an invitation, and an attempt at me trying to make the sharing part of the process mostly enjoyable.
I’ll be releasing 2 songs every 2 months until the album is out. The songs are paired intentionally. With every drop I’m going to use the songs as a prompt to write about life and creativity. I’m not going to be a pretentious butthole and deconstruct my own songs, just simply use the songs as a nudge to write and share whatever feels relevant.
I’m going to write in a way that’s mostly enjoyable.
If no one reads it, I still mostly enjoyed it.
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The album is called Farewell Machine
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