Porch Raisin
This one is the cheesy love bomb so buckle your up your curd biscuits.
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Zam is my chosen human and love of my life. Unless one of us gives up and starts being a bag of shit, we’ll probably be together until we die. One day we’ll be old wrinkly raisins on the porch, snorting viagra and praying there’s enough blood left for my heart. Pouring whiskey in our herbal tea and slow dancing under the sunset, geriatric chub throbbing feebly under the twilight dusk.
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I’m not trying to convey that we have a perfect relationship, because we don't. But it's the best relationship in my life and I'm proud of it. Natural chemistry and aligned values help a lot. A healthy mix of independence and co-operation inspires us. Conscious effort to lean in and resolve tension keeps those pesky elephants out of the room. We don’t pile shit under the rug. We vacuum it up asap because we both know resentment is poison.
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Making time for joy, connection, fun, and snuggles keeps our heart warm. Her fucked up sense of humor and absurdity remind me that life is ridiculous. We’ve had a few rough spots over the years and I’m so grateful we both kept trying. Getting through the rough spots built our trust and brought us way closer. Cliche but true.
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We got married on a very real, but wildly impulsive feeling in Athens, overlooking the city at sunset. It was the best decision of my life. If only I was this proud of all my impulsive behavior. Sometimes impulses pay off, sometimes I'm just an idiot. People responded differently to our impulsive eternal love promise. We remember the ones who were happy for us and the ones who projected their bitter bureaucracy boners onto it. I want to impulsively say fuck you, but I'm a big boy, so onward we go.
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I’m a spicy boy who needs a spicy lady to push back on me when I’m being a prickly dinkus or a wimpy wallower. She keeps me safe when I’m shattered but also pushes me toward my potential. I know she’ll be an amazing mama one day. Bla bla bla, what a cheesy filled fondue I’m brewing over here.
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How does this relate to art? Well I met Zam through art land. We were both hired to facilitate creative workshops for youth and neither one of us would have been hired if we didn’t give a shit about our craft and expression. Zam is the biggest gift I’ve received on this path of making art. I only met her because I was taking my creativity outward.
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The intrinsic process of creativity has improved my mental space immensely. Writing music and comedy just feels like crafting quirky emotional puzzles in solitude. It makes my thoughts and feelings more clear. Progress improves my sense of competence and self esteem. Getting in the flow state just feels good. Science can explain why, I’m too dumb.
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The extrinsic process of sharing creativity has pulled me out into a whole world of people, places, and experiences I would not have stumbled across otherwise. Friends, lovers, angels, assholes, travels, festivals, money, celebrations, drama, and a bipolar rollercoaster of identity and endorphins.
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For me, creativity has an inner world and an outer world. Balancing these dynamics is essential. Making art is one thing - sharing, performing, and building relationships are another. Both require time, effort, courage, and different skills. Both are scary in different ways. The isolation and work of improving your craft is daunting. The tedium and surrender required to finish projects and move on is difficult. The vulnerability of performing and the chaos of connecting with new people can be overwhelming. But so far the joy and fulfilment outweigh the "struggle."
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Everyone is different. Personally I know that I need to foster my inner and outer world of creativity, otherwise something starts to feel off. I don’t think this is specific to art - I think it’s the human conundrum. Prioritizing a relationship with ourself AND prioritizing relationships with others. It's easy to get hyper self involved and disappear into your individuality. It's easy to get lost in others and dragged around by everyone's needs but your own. Balancing the teeter totter ain't easy and will probably require some uncomfortable conversations with yourself and the people you love.
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Art has been a portal; taking me from the symbolic and surreal, towards the rich and hyper real. Zam is the most real and sacred part of my life. And I would have never found her if I didn’t dress up like a stupid monkey, beatbox into a loop pedal, and freak people out with the strange sounds and wild movements burning inside of my fucked up spirit.
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This song Porch Raisin is for Zam.
It’s an experiment in minimalism.
Complexity isn’t necessary for something to be valuable.
Some of my favorite days with Zam are the simple ones.
Touch, laughter, and food, with my human.
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Thankful for Zam.
Thankful for art as a gateway to life.
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